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...With information and helpful tools, challenges become opportunities for family members to build a stepfamily characterized by respect, family unity and love.

Are you ready for a "Reality Check"?

Myth #1
Biological families function better than stepfamilies.

Reality
Stepfamilies are not inferior or “second class” to the more traditional nuclear family system.  Family structure is as different today as it has ever been.  Families no longer are easily defined by a man, woman and perhaps children sharing “genes and ancestries.”   Instead they may be comprised of children, grandparents, adopted and foster children, single parents, foster parents and stepparents, sisters, aunts, brothers and uncles.  The reality is that functioning well in any type of family is difficult and hard work.  It is important to understand that there is no one “right” way a family should look. 

Myth #2 
Stepfamilies and nuclear families operate in very similar ways.

Reality
There are many differences in the ways that nuclear and stepfamilies function.  Most often, it is far more complex and stressful to manage relationships within a stepfamily.  This is due to the fact that there are simply more people, roles, homes, adjustments and conflicts.  Most co – parents, and even those trying to offer support, lack tools and information helpful to promote healthy management of all the factors present in stepfamilies.

Myth #3 
Stepparents and stepchildren, can, should and will learn to love one another.

Reality
Just because spouses love one another does not mean they will love one another’s children.  Expectations for instant or even eventual love among stepparents and children breed hurt, resentment and often feelings of failure.  Remember relationships take time to develop.  It is realistic to expect stepparents and stepchildren to strive for mutual respect within their relationship.  It is important to understand that if and when love does grow it may often feel very different than the love shared between a biological parent and child.  It is unrealistic to expect deep caring, love and affection among family members who do not know one another well, share little family history and are adjusting to a new family system.

Myth #4
Subsequent (second or third) marriages are easier and provide increased marital satisfaction.

Reality
Over 60% of second marriages fail.  This failure is often due to circumstances surrounding the second marriage such as, the presence of children, ex-partners and unmet expectations.  Many couples lack knowledge that very often a strategic plan is needed to help their new family system adjust, grow and thrive. It can be hard to find the tools, support and information needed to create, modify and implement a strategic family survival plan.   In addition, it is not uncommon for partners to bring unhealthy patterns and behaviors from past relationships into their new relationship therefore compromising its’ success.

Myth # 5
It won't take long for most stepfamilies to feel like a solid family unit.  If we try hard enough we can do it!

Reality
Trying hard to become a solid family unit will most likely leave you feeling discouraged and frustrated.  It takes a lot of time to “become” anything, especially a family.  There is no such thing as an instant family, at least not those that feel connected, cohesive and solid.  Stepfamilies are more complex than biological families from the very beginning. Rather than being comprised of one primary relationship shared between spouses, several other relationships are present as well.  Most stepfamily researchers agree that typical family members take at least three or four years after re/marriage to feel as if they are actually a part of a family unit. Many stepfamilies take longer to stabilize and, and some never do.  

Myth # 6
Within a stepfamily, the relationships between the stepparents and the children are the most vulnerable and need the most attention.

Reality
While strong feelings of love within the couple relationship created the stepfamily, it is the couple’s relationship that is the most vulnerable because it has the least history. This “new” relationship competes for attention among the hard task of adjusting to new schedules, personalities, homes, communication and many of other factors.  Spouses are often insecure, struggling with feelings of anxiety and guilt.  They are unprepared for the difficulties present in joining households.  All relationships within the new family system need time and attention.  However, it is vital that spouses create and protect time together for just the two of them to have fun, connect and nurture their relationship.  Building a strong marriage relationship and creating a strong united “front” is essential to successful stepfamily living.   

Myth # 7
The myths and stories surrounding stepfamilies, particularly Stepmothers, do not affect people’s perceptions today or the step mothering experience.

Reality
Stories of wicked, evil, jealous and misguided stepparents, particularly stepmothers, abound in children’s movies, books and folklore in general.  Such stereotypes and perceptions shape expectations and assumptions in our every day lives.  It is important for parents to discuss the implications of stereotypical thinking with their kids and examine their own beliefs as well. 

Myth # 8 
Stepfamilies have an easier adjustment period if the non-residential parent(s) steps back and gives the kids space to be with their newly established family.

Reality
Children in stepfamilies have the very difficult task of being a part of two (or more) entirely different family systems.  Each family system offers different experiences and expectations.  These differences make it very important for kids to maintain contact with their nonresidential parent (except in cases of neglect or abuse).  When children have little or no contact with one of their parents, they experience more loss, may build fantasies about that parent, and struggle more intensely with issues of loyalty.  While divorce creates ex-spouses, for the sake of the children involved, it does not, or should not, create ex-parents.