Foundations for a Successful Stepfamily
Adapted
from an article by Sharon
Leigh
and Maridith
Jackson
Extension Program Assistants
Janet
A.
Clark,
Program Leader and Associate
State
Specialist
The prospect of
creating a stepfamily can evoke feelings of excitement, relief,
nervousness and worry -- all at the same time. Experiencing a wide variety
of feelings is normal and common. Because building a successful stepfamily
requires a lot of energy and commitment, it is important for partners to
talk about what they expect from each other and their new family, both
before and after the marriage occurs. This enables them to discuss
important issues and can help them avoid serious problems down the road.
It is critical to have realistic expectations and goals for stepfamily
life. Time spent wisely during courtship can lay a foundation for positive
stepfamily relationships.
This guide
highlights several important topics that you should discuss with your
partner before and after marriage, and provides suggestions for creating a
successful stepfamily.
Beginning a new
relationship, especially a marriage, requires careful consideration. Think
about these questions:
- What
goals do you have for this marriage?
- What
values are important for you to have in common with your partner?
- How
have you managed the strong feelings about your former partner? To
what extent do these feelings affect your present relationship with
your new partner?
People desire to get
married or remarried for a variety of valid reasons. It is important for
partners to discuss their motives for wanting to marry, because they may
differ. Likewise, an understanding of and respect for each other's basic
values and priorities is essential to the success of any close
relationship.
Losing a spouse
through death or the dissolution of a previous marriage is usually
accompanied by strong feelings, such as intense sadness, anger and/or
guilt. Each person in the prospective marriage needs adequate time to heal
before reentering another marital relationship, or the adjustment to
stepfamily life will likely be much more difficult. Individuals should
assess their feelings about former partners and honestly consider how
those feelings are impacting their present relationship.
Building
relationships with stepchildren is a huge task, one usually requiring a
great deal of time and effort. Consider these questions:
- How
well do you know and relate to each other's children?
- What
types of custody/visitation arrangements do you currently have?
- What
do you want and expect from your stepchildren? Are
your expectations realistic?
- What
role do you want your partner to play in your children's lives, now
and in the future?
- What
types of rules and discipline do you want operating in your home?
- Do
you and your new partner want to have children together?
It is absolutely
necessary that partners spend adequate time discussing their beliefs about
child rearing, discipline, rules and other issues related to their
children before they decide to get remarried. Once partners make the
decision to get married, it is important that they tell their children
directly and give them an idea of the effect the remarriage will have on
their lives. Children will likely have many questions and concerns about
the new family, and it is important to take time to address these
questions in a serious, respectful manner. Making sure that children are
included in the wedding plans and other family-related decisions gives
them the feeling of having some control over their lives.
Parents need to
realize that their children will probably not view the remarriage with the
same feelings as they do. Although the husband and wife are looking
forward to gaining a new partner, the children may feel as if they are
losing their parent to the new spouse. This can be especially upsetting to
children if they took on greater responsibilities in the single parent
family and developed a peer-like relationship with their parent.
Also, stepchildren
will probably not feel strong positive feelings for their stepparents
automatically, and vice versa. Although two adults may love each other,
they may not necessarily love each other's children right away. Patience
is necessary for all parties in a stepfamily, because it can take years
for bonding to occur in stepfamily relationships.
Children will likely
be affected differently in the stepfamily, depending upon their age and
level of development.
Preschoolers
Remarriage can be confusing to young children. Their familiar routines
will likely be disrupted, and they may require more attention and
affection from their parents. It is important that they feel loved by both
of their biological parents, as well as the new stepparent. At this young
age, most children will react positively to a stepparent who tries to
establish a good relationship.
School-age
children
Children in elementary school often have a wide variety of feelings when
one of their parents remarries. They may feel anger and hostility because
remarriage dashes their hope that their biological parents may reunite.
Feelings of frustration may occur if they have to share their space or
possessions with new stepsiblings, or when they are subjected to new rules
and routines. If children feel displaced by the new stepparent, they may
try to attract attention by being "extra good" or acting out.
School-age children may be embarrassed by the remarriage because they do
not know how to tell their friends or teachers about it. Other common
feelings include guilt, betrayal and uncertainty. It is important for
parents to reassure their children that they are very important, loved and
important. Like preschoolers, school-age children need to maintain a
positive relationship with the biological parent with whom they are not
living.
Adolescents
Teens may experience many of the same feelings as school-age children,
such as anger, hostility and frustration. They may become withdrawn and
seemingly apathetic to the new marriage. It is common for adolescents to
feel displaced by the new stepparent. Because teenagers are striving for
greater independence and freedom at this time in their lives anyway, it is
likely that they will clash with a stepparent who attempts to take on a
parental role and expects to play a part in disciplining the children.
Although
stepfamilies are "instant" families, it often takes considerable
time for individuals to accept their stepparent and stepsiblings and feel
like a family. Stepfamily
members have had previous relationships and are likely to have different
ideas in some areas about how family life works. It takes time to create a
new, cohesive family unit. There will be many challenges among members in
a new stepfamily. By discussing issues related to children, partners will
be better prepared to cope with the new family dynamics.
Parenting
in Stepfamilies: Ideas for
Success
- Be
realistic and patient in your effort to build a stepfamily.
- Talk
to other stepparents, who can be a valuable source of support and
ideas.
- Let
children choose what name to call the stepparent.
- Educate
yourself about stepfamily life by reading books and articles about
stepfamilies.
- Be
unified with your spouse about rules, methods of discipline, and other
important issues.
- Have
family meetings regularly to provide a time for individuals to
communicate about relevant issues and concerns.
- Ease
into the stepparent role by focusing on building a friendship with
your stepchildren before trying to parent them.
- Get
outside help when needed from a counselor or by attending an
educational program for stepfamilies.
Relationships with
others can have a significant impact upon the quality of life in a new
stepfamily. Some questions to consider are:
- How
do you presently communicate with your former spouse(s)?
- How
much contact do your children have with their other parent?
- How
do your partner's parents feel about their stepgrandparent role?
Except in cases of
neglect or abuse, it is
vitally important that children maintain positive relationships with the
biological parent who lives elsewhere. No matter how good the relationship
is between a stepparent and stepchildren, a stepparent can never replace a
biological parent. Children need to feel that both of their biological
parents care about them. Efforts should also be made to maintain contact
between children and their grandparents and other extended family members.
It is also essential
that partners strive to have courteous relationships with their former
spouses. Granted this often proves difficult, but good relationships
between biological parents greatly benefit the stepfamily. Although
feelings of hurt and anger may persist, former spouses should strive to
make their children's welfare their top priority in their dealings with
each other.
A major issue for
new stepfamilies is where they will live, and who will live with whom.
Consider these questions:
- What
living arrangements work best for your family?
- Do
children live with you now, or do you anticipate they will in the
future? Do they have a special place for their belongings, even if
they only live with you for short visits or holidays?
- Who
should be responsible for which household chores?
In an ideal
situation, the new stepfamily is able to begin living together in a place
they can call their own. Moving into a home in which a previous spouse
and/or children lived can be uncomfortable and make the new members feel
like outsiders. Creating a home together that is new to all family members
provides a fresh start for the stepfamily. However, a new home is often
impractical, financially or otherwise. In any case, it is essential that
all family members have spaces of their own, even if they do not live in
the household all the time. Also, being able to choose how to decorate
one's own room or space is usually exciting and can ease the transition
into stepfamily life.
It is also important
that family members be involved as much as possible in making decisions
about household chores. Children will be less likely to resent decisions
made by parents or stepparents about chores and other responsibilities
when they have participated in the decision-making process. Partners
should keep in mind that there are many ways to perform household chores,
and people from different families often have different expectations
regarding who should be responsible for which tasks. Discussing these
issues before the marriage occurs paves the way for a smoother transition
to stepfamily life.
A person's
employment frequently occupies a large percentage of his or her time and
energy and is something around which family life largely revolves.
Consider these questions when thinking about your work:
- Does
your new marriage require a job change for you or your partner?
- Whose
job has priority in deciding where to live, working overtime and so
forth?
- How
compatible are the demands of your jobs?
Employment can bring
many positive outcomes, such as financial support, friendship and
self-esteem. However, jobs can also be emotionally and physically
demanding, time-consuming and stressful. When contemplating marriage, it
is important for partners to understand each other's feelings about their
jobs and the amount of time and commitment they require. The life changes
that a new marriage brings may tempt individuals to change or discontinue
their current employment. However, too many major changes at once can be
stressful. Often it is recommended that partners continue in their same
job situations until they have made an initial adjustment to their new
stepfamily.
It is essential that
partners communicate about financial decisions and their personal
philosophies about money. Each person brings previous experiences and
perspectives about family finances to the new marriage -- often the
expectations are vastly different. Consider these questions:
- How
much money does each of you make? Who provides what proportion of
support and living expenses?
- What
financial responsibilities do you have to other family members (child
support, maintenance, care for an elderly parent)?
- How
should/will money be allocated to children?
Financial matters
are a common source of tension in many families, but they can be
especially problematic in stepfamilies. Stepfamilies are usually more
complicated than first-time families because there are more relationships
to consider and more sources of income. Child support payments can be a
difficult issue in stepfamilies. Child support obligations continue the
link between former spouses and are often a source of persistent problems.
It can be stressful for individuals in one household to have to base their
financial decisions on the needs of another household. For example, it is
not uncommon for wives in new marriages to be frustrated because their
husbands must pay a substantial amount of money to support their children
from a previous relationship.
Before getting
married, it is important for partners to decide whether they will pool
their resources or keep them separate. It is also highly recommended that
they construct a tentative family budget. Although discussing financial
issues will not likely eliminate all problems with money, it helps
partners understand the specifics of each other's financial situation and
provides the impetus for making important decisions together.
There are many
things stepfamilies can do that will help them develop positive
relationships with each other. The following are a few suggestions.
Nurture
the couple relationship
One of the most
important things partners can do in a new marriage is to continue to build
their relationship. Parents often feel greater loyalties to their children
because they have had a relationship with them for a much longer time.
However, it is vital that partners present a united front to the children
in their home. Children can sense when parents are not in agreement, and
they can use the situation to work in their favor by playing one parent
against the other. In order to build unity, partners need to be honest and
open with each other and practice good communication skills. It is also
important that they spend time alone together and nurture their
friendship. A strong couple bond is essential to the success of the
stepfamily.
Establish
new traditions
Family traditions
strengthen families because they create feelings of solidarity and oneness
among members. They can also help a family create a sense of identity.
These outcomes are especially important in stepfamilies, where members
must make an effort in order to feel as if they are actually a family.
Creating new traditions that are unique to the stepfamily can help create
a new family identity.
Holidays are
opportune times for families to create new traditions. However, it is
important to leave some traditions in place from previous families for the
sake of familiarity and stability. For example, a family celebrating
Thanksgiving could try one or two new recipes, while cooking a favorite
dish of each family member. If they are accustomed to sharing the holiday
with extended family, they might continue to do so but incorporate new
activities into the day's events. This would help them find a good balance
between change and stability in their traditions.
Find
activities that the entire family can enjoy together
Participating in
enjoyable family activities helps members get to know one another better
and strengthens family bonds. Possible activities include working on a
project around the house, taking walks in the evening, and playing games
together. Taking day trips and going on vacations can also help unify
individuals and create lasting memories. All family members need the
opportunity to assist in planning activities. This will help them feel
more involved and they will be more dedicated to helping the activity be a
success. By making family time a priority, family members will be able to
see that you are committed to creating a strong stepfamily.
Spend
time in one-on-one relationships
Although spending
time together as a family is important and beneficial, it is also
essential that family members interact with each other on a one-on-one
basis. Because children often feel displaced by a new spouse and/or
stepsiblings, spending private time with their birth parent helps children
feel that they are still important despite the changes in their family. It
is also helpful for stepparents to spend one-on-one time with their
stepchildren. Activities such as going out for ice cream or spending time
in a park on a nice day can help both the child and the adult build a
relationship and overcome the awkwardness that is often present among
family members who do not know each other well. Letting the stepchild
choose an activity with which he or she is comfortable (within reason)
will increase the likelihood of a positive experience.
Be
flexible and patient
Give one another
time to adjust to new roles. Becoming a member of a stepfamily can be
challenging because individuals acquire new roles that are likely to be
unfamiliar. For example, there are considerable differences between being
a birth parent and a stepparent, and these differences may require a lot
of adjustment. Forming a stepfamily brings a lot of changes into the lives
of all parties involved, and being flexible is crucial for the family's
success.
Building a strong
stepfamily involves more than love and good intentions. Being a member of
a stepfamily requires a lot of hard work, creativity and endurance. In
most cases, time is a critical factor in the development of healthy
stepfamily relationships. This makes patience important, despite trials
and challenges. Remembering that many stepfamilies do achieve unity,
happiness and fulfillment can help you survive the rough spots. Discussing
important issues with your partner will help you lay a solid foundation
from which you can build a happy and successful stepfamily.
References
-
Einstein
,
E.
A.
(1994). The stepfamily: Living,
loving, and learning.
Ithaca
,
NY
: Published by the author.
-
Kelley
, P. (1995). Developing healthy
stepfamilies: Twenty families tell their stories.
New York
:
Harrington
Park
Press.
- Lofas,
J., and Sova, D. B. (1996). Stepparenting: Everything you need to
know to make it work!
New York
: Kensington Books.
- Ricci,
I.
(1997). Mom's house, dad's house:
Making two homes for your child.
New York
: Simon & Schuster.
- Visher,
E.
B.
, and Visher,
J.
S.
(1979). Stepfamilies: Myths and
realities.
Secaucus
,
NJ
: Citadel Press.
C. 1993
to 2007 Curators of the University
of Missouri, all rights reserved, DMCA
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